a nearly satisfactory verisimilitudinous creation

Modern Day Librarian

With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan. The H.M.S. Pinafore.

I am the very model of a modern-day librarian
Give info most authoritative, wholly nonsectarian
Look up the kings of England, and can find the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical
Make you well acquainted, too, with all matters mathematical
You'll understand equations, both the simple and quadratical
About binomial theorem you'll be teeming with lots o' news
I'll find you cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse

I'm very good at finding information that's analogous
To needs most differentiated, important, and fatuous
In short, authoritative information nonsectarian
I am the very model of a modern-day librarian.

Can find the information that you seek, I'm Johnny-on-the-spot
Answer inquiries from everyone, I will surely give a shot
Need to know elegiacs or all crimes of Heliogabalus?
'Bout conics I'll find you peculiarities parabolous
Give you info about artistic works and all the symphonies
And 'bout the croaking chorus from The Frogs of Aristophanes!
Find you a title for the song you hum and heard but once afore
And lyrics to the song from that infernal nonsense Pinafore

Show you a written washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform
Then find you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform
In short, authoritative information nonsectarian
I am the very model of a modern-day librarian

Find you materials about the "mamelon" and "ravelin"
and then make sure that you can find them without help from me again
And those inquiries and questions you're feeling most embarrassed of
Know that at you I will not giggle, disparage or make fun of
I'll teach you how to search all things so you can do it by yourself
And make sure you can find it on internet and library shelf
I'll show elemental information finding strategy
And then you'll never ever again have to friggin' bother me

For your information knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury
Give know-how that you will need for all things self-exploratory
In short, authoritative information nonsectarian
I am the very model of a modern-day librarian.